October has come, perhaps my favorite month of the year. The weather is at its perfection during this time, and the whole of the land endeavors to decorate itself with autumnal colors. People put up their Halloween decorations, and Nature sets about to do the same with the changing of the leaves. The tyranny of the sun has fled, and the cool of the day arrives to prevail once more.
All seems as it should be during this season. It is as if a great peace has beset the world. Autumn is truly a wonderful time. It is our moment of respite to enjoy the land in earnest, without great distractions that one must overlook. God be praised. Indeed, indeed.
“Be glad, O children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God, for He has given you the autumn rains for your vindication. He sends you showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before.” – Joel 2:23
The autumn season thus serves as a reminder of God’s faithfulness in His efforts to restore and redeem us, saving us from the boasts of the enemy who would seek our destruction. Just as spring delivers from the harshness of winter, so does autumn do the same for us from summer. In this way, the seasons remind us of the truth that all of nature truly does testify to the glory of God (Psalm 19:1).
Renewed Focus
Perhaps ironically, such a comforting time has given me the peace to contemplate somber things with clarity. I always find it hard to focus in the summertime, as much of my energy is spent enduring the harsh climate that season brings. This leaves little left to harness toward matters requiring sharpened contemplation.
It is the reason I often find myself taking a break from many things in the summer. Not so that I can enjoy that season, but so I can focus all my strength on getting through it. Which leads me to the here and now, where I have taken up my pen once more to share what has been given unto me.
Reflections Upon the Past
With no one around me to teach me many of the things I both desire and need to know, I have had to find contentedness in teaching myself. Utilizing resources publicly available such as books, articles, instructional videos, workshops, and webinars, I have clawed my way up in understanding several topics. From knife fighting and pistol shooting, to first aid and bookkeeping, to Biblical Hebrew and Bahasa Indonesia. There is always something that needs learning, and it is not good to wait around for someone who may never come to show me the way.
I was fortunate to have been taught how to study when I was younger. During my time in martial arts academies and psychology programs, I was forged into a very good student and teacher. The first thing I ever taught myself was poetry, and that has been a constant reminder to push myself to learn on my own when no one is around to help me.
This is possible, but not ideal. Learning from a teacher makes the effort of learning much quicker and easier. That is why I have wasted much time sitting around and hoping for someone to come and teach me things at points in my life. The temptation to put off learning until someone else comes along to help me is strong, as teaching oneself is painful and arduous. Nevertheless, one does what one must. I am blessed by the Lord that I was eventually brought to my senses in those moments, deciding to wait around no longer.
Still, I was recently prompted to reflect upon how much I have given of myself to others, and how little for that it seems I have received in return. I am often called upon to help many people with their wants and needs, but it has been years since someone I did not pay money to has helped me with my priorities in any substantial or recurring way.
I am grateful for the few times when kindred spirits have lent me a hand here or there with something that mattered to me, but I do despair at how oft there is naught but mine own hand to put to the work I hope for. It is an even greater pain when it is work I have need for, and I am the only one to be found. It makes all those moments of helping others with their needs all the harder and despairing, even as I go on with it to ensure they never feel that way on my account.
Such is the way of life, and I have found my contentedness with it. For we can only control what we do and how we respond to that in our way. Therefore, let oneself not be troubled by the deeds of others. Or at least, let that not destroy one’s peace. In the end, it is enough that I have exerted myself to ensure others do not feel the same despair I do for lack on my part. Nevertheless, that despair is something I feel, and so, something productive must be done with it.
This poem was written with that very task in mind. I wrote it as I work on developing how and why I would lament. The anguish I carry in my heart every day, for this and many other things, often seems beyond words to express. Yet, I am committed now to expressing as much of it as I can.
Hopes Into Tears
Long have I labored to no apparent good end
Where each man has savored the help of a friend
Each man but me, it always does seem
For all that I see, is a broken dream
No matter the aid, that I freely give out
Never is there a trade, always is there a doubt
Always do they need me, they who pass me on by
But never is one to see, rarely is one to try
To aid in my hour, where I find great need
Leaving all to devour, unto despair and greed
Rarely have I found, someone to aid my good
Without payment abound, who I’ve not understood
Ever eager to use me, and to reap what I sow
But so scarcely do I see, good from one who I know
When the darkness abounds, and all hopelessness cheers
Only cries are my sounds, as do flow forth my tears
Oh so rare have I known, one to come by my side
One who to me has shown, that in which I abide
To help one another, with that which one needs
As should a good brother, in all of his deeds
But many I’ve known, all too busy for me
Yet so eager they’ve shown, to call me for free
The most loyal man, is the one I have paid
He does all he can, to ensure a good trade
Yet my kinsmen who say, they do care for my good
Who ask me each day, what they’ve not understood
They speak as if one who cares, all their words said in vain
For they shun my affairs, showing naught but disdain
Or if any true fondness, they may yet display
So rare do they progress, to make time of day
As days turn to months, and months into years
All the hopes I held once, now have turned into tears
I did used to think, people cared to return
All the good one may sink, into other’s concern
Now I know it is not, for how long it has been
And all seems now forgot, time and time again
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